Ever since returning from Jamaica this year- I've been hitting a brick wall each time I sit down to write this post. It's practice for me to write a follow up blog from the experience I've had, but every time I sat down to write, there was nothing.
It's not that it wasn't a great trip- it was really, really good. I just haven't been able to put words to what I was feeling or learning.
I finally had something written down about two weeks ago but I didn't know how to end it, so I let it be. It felt fake and forced. It felt like the right thing to write to make everybody feel good about me and where I'm at, but wasn't reflective of how I was actually feeling.
So bear with me; I'll get to the trip in a second, but to understand my experience on the trip, you have to first understand how I had been feeling as a human over the past several months.
This year, I have been tired. I've been frustrated. I've been pissed. I've been complacent.
I went to Jamaica excited for a break and for the opportunity to be back with people I know. But rejoining friends from the Cedar Valley for a week proved to be more difficult that I ever expected or imagined. The thing that I loved most about Cedar Falls while I was living there was the community that exists and how the value of community is embedded in almost every aspect of life there.
There was the UNI community, the church community, and the Cedar Falls community was pretty tight knit too- I could go almost anywhere in the city and recognize familiar faces.
As I've experienced living in a new place for 9 months now, the biggest thing that I have missed about Cedar Falls has been community, and going to Jamaica with friends from Cedar Falls made me recognize that.
Prior to the trip, I had been frustrated with Mankato. Frustrated that there wasn't a '20 somethings' crowd in the city to hang out with. Frustrated that the community wasn't living up to my expectations of what community should look like.
This past week- I hung out with some friends at a local brewery. We chatted for over an hour about how life was going and how excited we were for the snow to finally melt. As we talked, I opened up more about what I had been feeling- I started being honest about where my heart was at and shared some of my frustrations.
I missed my community.
After sharing where I was at, one of my friends shared with me what they had been working through themselves. They said to me, "Hey, I've been going through the same thing. I've had a hard time watching life continue back home while things are so different here. But Jesus, he's been saying to me, 'hey, that community you miss so much? It's not me. That community is not what you need. That community will help you, but it's not who I am.'
Dang.
Holy dang.
I still believe in the value of community- but after hearing what my friend had to say, I'm recognizing now that I have sought out community here in Mankato as a substitute for God. God created us to be in community- yes. But not as a substitute for who he is- for his love.
Community isn't God. God is God.
I went to Jamaica seeking a break from life in Minnesota- not because I hate it here, but because I have been falsely seeking community instead of seeking God and I walked into the trip believing that the people I went with would quench that thirst.
Every year, the leaders of this trip call it a 'relationtrip'- a trip where relationships are built, both among peers on the trip and those in Jamaica. I've always been a bit skeptical of that name though. Sure, I have always valued the relationships built on the trip, but I thought the funny play on words was just that- something to say to be funny.
This year though, I experienced the trip in a way that I never have before.
As I hopped off our bus when we arrived the first night, eager to greet some old friends that I hadn't seen in a year, I realized that many of the college students who were experiencing the trip for the first time were still on the bus. College students who were in a completely new environment, nervous to try to communicate with the deaf students.
As I've reflected on that moment, I've come to realize that I've built some incredible relationships with those in Jamaica over the years and it is because my focus hasn't been on what I can do for them, but on building friendships with them that last longer than a one week trip.
Given where I've been at over the past several months, this trip was really good for me. Not in the ways I expected, but because it made me realize that while community is great- the power of community rests in recognizing the power of relationships.
- Dan