In January, I told myself that I would commit to writing a new blog every month and oh man how badly I have failed at that. I hype up writing to be this grandiose thing that needs to be perfect before the world ever sees it.
These last 6 months, I’ve thought a lot about vulnerability (thank you Brené Brown) and how it is so easy to preach vulnerability but it’s a whole different ball game to be practicing it. So with that in mind, here I am, being vulnerable about my life the past 6 months and writing a blog that isn’t 100% perfect, but it is real, and that should count for something.
I’ve had a hard time being me over the years. Specifically, i’ve really sucked at relationships and being vulnerable with my feelings.
Let me explain.
When I was younger, my Dad and I would sometimes argue about silly things where I thought I was right and he was certain that I wasn’t. After some back and forth, one of us would eventually say, “Wanna bet?!” and Dad would wager a dollar or something. And you know what, every single time, I was wrong. I honestly can’t remember a time when I was younger that I won one of those silly bets with my Dad.
I share this story because back then, I was always in awe with how my Dad could always win those bets. As I’ve grown older, though, I’ve realized that Dad only won those bets because he only bet on things that he was nearly 100% certain that he would win. My Dad’s ability to always win these silly bets taught me about not taking chances when I’m not close to guaranteed the win.
Now don’t read that story and think that I blame my Dad for me not taking chances or being vulnerable with people, I absolutely do not. I think I’m just naturally a person who doesn’t like to take a lot of risks and my Dad taught me about how to be smart with some of the risks I do or do not take. I’ve always been someone that only likes to do things when the outcome is a sure thing; when it is a near 100% guarantee that I will win, be right, or be accepted.
I share this because relationships have been tough for me. When it comes to relationships, I struggle to name my feelings because of the fear of things not be reciprocated and the heartache that accompanies it.
I don’t like taking chances on things that aren’t guaranteed- like sharing my feelings for a girl.
I grew up in a small town where we were taught not to show our emotions and taught not to share too much with others because so and so down the road would gossip to everyone else and soon the entire town would know. While this is an over simplification of a small town thing, the underlying truth is that I have carried the need to have a guarded heart with me for my entire life.
That mentality has almost surely tanked my ability to be vulnerable in relationships and put my heart out on the line at the risk of feelings not being the same.
A bit ago I mentioned that I don’t like taking chances on things that aren’t guaranteed- like sharing my feelings for a girl. For the past several months, I’ve been trying to impress this girl who I’m not even sure knew that I liked her. The story that I had been telling myself was that my flirting was enough and that this girl was into me too- but without ever confidently speaking my feelings to her, the opportunity passed by me and I never got the chance to tell her how I felt.
I failed to share my feelings. I failed to be vulnerable with her. I failed to tell her how incredible I thought she was, even though it was so easy to tell others back home how much I was into her.
I don’t really have an ending to this post. I’m just trying to be more vulnerable and today, that’s looking like writing down my frustration with myself not being willing to take chances in relationships.
I wish I could say that things are going to change because I would like to take steps in that direction, but today really just looks like naming my gaps, being vulnerable with anyone reading this with where I’m at, and making a commitment to strive to be more vulnerable in relationships moving forward.